Beginning to See

"Now that I'm through, I can begin to see more clearly."

I wrote that sentence in my journal just a few nights ago, in relation to a really stressful situation that happened the end of this past week. I had taken a test in order to try to test out of one of my classes, and it ended up that I was going to have to pay a ridiculously high fee just in order to test out. Also, I had added a physical education class to my load... and ended up realizing that it was just too much.

All in all - it was a really emotional, draining time for me. There were so many different questions and anxiety and emotions swirling in my head that it felt like I was in a grey mist. On top of all that, I was mentally and physically worn out from the long days with back-to-back classes & accompanying (Wednesday was 9 hours straight with only 1/2 hour break for lunch). I was exhausted... and I couldn't see an end anytime soon.

Well God knows that the best way to get us to see clearly sometimes is to put roadblocks in our way. Oftentimes, we don't even realize that we're not viewing life with God's eyes... so He has to cover our world with darkness in order for us to realize just how much we need the sun.

I needed the Son, badly. Though I thought I had it all together and would be able to just "push through," God had to reveal to me how wrong I was. And on top of that, he dug even deeper and taught me a much-needed lesson about something I don't like to talk much about.

It's about crying. 

You see, I hate to cry. Even if I'm by myself, crying is still a very painful thing for me. I have to kind of wrench the sobs out of me... otherwise I'm too good at automatically suppressing and subduing them. And then trying to cry in front of others is like grabbing my own arm and twisting it... I just simply can't.

But God taught me a powerful lesson about that. It's okay to cry. Sometimes you just have to let yourself be vulnerable... because that's the only way you're going to be real. And I want so desperately to be real.

During those couple of days, the tears would just come as I was talking to my friends or family or adviser about the situation... and though at first I fought them, I realized that they were there for good. For cleansing. They were a part of what I was going through just as much as anything else, and I needed to just let myself cry.

Though I would never again want to experience the anxiety and chaos that those days brought, I can see clearer now. God reminded me that I have tears I need to shed... and that He is the one who wipes every one of them away.

And only when my eyes and heart and mind have been washed by the Son can I truly begin to see.