Convicted

This post convicted me tonight.

To tell you in all honesty, I'm jealous of how the author of the blog talks about God. Even as a Christian, I know I don't let Him into my life that deeply. I fill my mind with so many other things - homework, responsibilities, friendships, dreams, hopes... and then slip God in there and hope that He penetrates all the other sections I've partitioned my mind into. It's like the boxes I once referred to.

I even did this on Easter. Out of any day you would think that Easter would point me to God's love, but instead my mind was filled with making sure I got enough homework done, practiced adequately, played the offertory at church well, talked to enough people, etc. The church service was good, with many truths that stood out to me that I could apply to my life. But as soon as I took note of them I tucked them away into a nice little corner of my brain and haven't looked at them since.

I desire an ever deeper relationship with God, but I don't have it. I don't even really seek it.


I don't mind being "the one who is obsessed about music" in my group of friends, so why do I shrink from being labeled as "the one who is obsessed with Jesus?" Why do I treat Him as a section of my tidy little life, when He desires all of me? It's no wonder that I don't feel close to Him - how can you feel close to someone who you constantly push away?

It's hard to admit failure, even when you are simply typing words on a screen, but this is true. I have failed in loving God more.

And yet this is where I am made aware of His grace, wafting around me like an invisible scent. So faint I fail to catch it most of the time. Only when I am aware of my own inadequacies do I take note of His grace and breathe it in.

And only then do I realize that I've been holding my breath this whole time.